boku
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Posts: 37
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Post by boku on May 4, 2016 15:49:01 GMT -5
I became acquainted with a new guy four months ago. It's rare that i find someone that I'm comfortable talking to so I figured that it was reasonable for me to take time out of his day to talk to him every now and then. It turns out that he is a very caring person, he always makes sure to ask people how they are doing etc, which drew me to him even more. And this is where my experience with social interaction ends: I don't know if it's right to try to get closer to him because I don't know if I'm just using his kindness.
Does anyone have experience with this kind of dynamic? How did it turn out?
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Post by hikarix27 on May 5, 2016 7:26:51 GMT -5
I became acquainted with a new guy four months ago. It's rare that i find someone that I'm comfortable talking to so I figured that it was reasonable for me to take time out of his day to talk to him every now and then. It turns out that he is a very caring person, he always makes sure to ask people how they are doing etc, which drew me to him even more. And this is where my experience with social interaction ends: I don't know if it's right to try to get closer to him because I don't know if I'm just using his kindness. Does anyone have experience with this kind of dynamic? How did it turn out? Hello, May I ask how you feel that you getting closer to him would be using his kindness? If you mean only seeking his company due to how you perceive his personality to be, then I can see that, but there's also the possibility that that is simply what you found "attractive" in him. That attraction could have been the necessary trigger in order for you to pursue him. Also, honestly, I have not had that type of relationship experience myself, but I've seen my fair share of them. Some were fine, with the involved persons discovering more in each other, but a small amount did not work out due to the initial attraction being all that was sought after. The one thing that they all had in common (or so I was told) was that they didn't know the true forms of their motivation until they pursued it.
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boku
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Posts: 37
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Post by boku on May 7, 2016 8:09:46 GMT -5
I'm starved for attention and companionship, and he's the kind of guy who would give me attention.
Which means he has probably encountered at least a dozen attention-starved people like me in the past, trying to get close to him so he can keep feeding them. Which makes me feel like a sucker.
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Post by hikarix27 on May 7, 2016 16:14:34 GMT -5
I see. Thank you for giving that information, as I can now see how you thought you might have been using the person's kindness. I still wouldn't say that there's anything wrong with getting close to him for that reason, so please don't berate yourself. You stated that that's what had drawn you to him even more, not the original reason, which was that you felt comfortable talking to him. Was it that you were able to talk to them about anything that crossed your mind, or just his "aura" (as in the feeling caused by his kindness)? Also, this is pretty embarrassing, but I had initially created a somewhat long post that would have (hopefully) helped you see from his perspective and get closer to him. I then just cut it down to the reply that you saw, as I wasn't sure if you'd want to view it, or not. Plus, I didn't want to assume I knew what you felt at the time. Sorry about that, BUT I had saved it just in case, since I felt it would be unfair to delete it without you seeing it if you had, in fact, wanted to.
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boku
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Posts: 37
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Post by boku on May 8, 2016 4:33:09 GMT -5
I see. Thank you for giving that information, as I can now see how you thought you might have been using the person's kindness. I still wouldn't say that there's anything wrong with getting close to him for that reason, so please don't berate yourself. You stated that that's what had drawn you to him even more, not the original reason, which was that you felt comfortable talking to him. Was it that you were able to talk to them about anything that crossed your mind, or just his "aura" (as in the feeling caused by his kindness)? Also, this is pretty embarrassing, but I had initially created a somewhat long post that would have (hopefully) helped you see from his perspective and get closer to him. I then just cut it down to the reply that you saw, as I wasn't sure if you'd want to view it, or not. Plus, I didn't want to assume I knew what you felt at the time. Sorry about that, BUT I had saved it just in case, since I felt it would be unfair to delete it without you seeing it if you had, in fact, wanted to. Please post it. I don't care what assumptions you make; if you get anything wrong it will simply prompt me to elaborate.
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Post by hikarix27 on May 8, 2016 5:02:32 GMT -5
Please post it. I don't care what assumptions you make; if you get anything wrong it will simply prompt me to elaborate. Oh, I see. Elaboration is good! Well, here it is: (sorry for the incoming wall of text, but I hope it helps, at least a little bit)
I hope I'm not bothering you, but I would like you to receive an opinion (as you did for me). I hope others will also provide you with an answer. I must first say that I do not have experience for the dynamic in regards to a relationship (dating), but I do in friendship. Contact was lost due to my having to move, but I'm very glad I met that person at all. If I had any form of contact at that time, I'm quite sure we would still be talking to this day. Just adding this info to let you know that the dynamic is possible. Also, seeing as how the traits you had described are similar to mine, I hope I can provide insight from said C.P.'s (Caring Person) point-of-view. Something I had realized is that: The most caring are often the most lonely. The reason I say this is because they usually make sure to see how others are before worrying, or even thinking about themselves/their own problems. With this fact, it becomes common that others come to those C.P.s in order to talk about their problems/situations going on in their lives because they know the person will listen. If the C.P. is constantly hearing what others have to say, then who would take the time to listen to them? I, myself, found that I don't really talk about my own life with anyone else because it's so often that I'm focusing on what another person is going through. Now, I'm not saying that it's a bad thing, as C.P.s generally do enjoy letting others know that there is someone willing to listen, or help if needed. Another thing, the kindness they try to show others, and I don't like putting it this way, can also be a kind of defense mechanism for themselves, as well. Helping other people also keeps their mind off of the difficult things that they have to deal with. If the other being heard is happy, then the C.P. will also be happy. The only thing is (as I'm sure most know) that one can't ignore their own problems forever. One of the best ways to deal with them is by talking with someone else about them, which ties into the question about who listens to the C.P. The friend that I had mentioned, after being one of the people that would talk to me in order to get things off of their chest, turned the tables on me. In their own words: "How are you. I don't mean your day. I mean, how are YOU?" I was quite surprised, shell-shocked even. That one sincere question lead them to becoming someone that I could have a conversation with, rather than just talk to. Enough about me, though. In my honest opinion, no. I do not feel that you are using this person's kindness. Most people that spoke to me never realized that I would like to be asked how I'm doing/about myself, and honestly, neither did I until it happened. So, it's understandable if you have been talking mostly about yourself. But, if you want to get closer to the C.P., show them that you can be one too. Such people are always looking for others that either are, or have the potential to be similar to them. Also consider the benefit that you talking gives to him. I'm sure he enjoys what you have to say. So, all in all, you have to ask yourself: Would you be willing to really understand what said person has to say, or are you only speaking to them to get things off of your mind? And please know, that the initial answer you give CAN change, if YOU want it to. I, personally, believe you are a caring person, especially since you stated that you would take time out of HIS day, rather than your own. There's also the indicator that you worry about whether you are abusing his kindness (some people just don't care). Either way, I hope it goes well for you!
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boku
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Posts: 37
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Post by boku on May 8, 2016 14:39:30 GMT -5
That's actually a pretty good reply. Thank you. Such people are always looking for others that either are, or have the potential to be similar to them. How do you spot someone who has the potential to be like you?
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Post by hikarix27 on May 8, 2016 17:48:27 GMT -5
That's actually a pretty good reply. Thank you. How do you spot someone who has the potential to be like you? Hello, Thank you for the compliment! I appreciate it very much. Now, how do you spot a potentially similar person? While sounding cliche, it's really about the small things (speech, mannerisms, habits) that you might have done in their given situation, but being performed by the person whom your attention has been brought to. The action doesn't have to be one that has great impact on other surrounding people, or even the area. For example, I could witness someone in a store go out of their way to simply reach for an item on a shelf that was too high for another shopper. It's weird, but I notice and remember those things very well, more than likely because it causes me to believe there are others out there like myself, which is an enjoyable feeling. I'm sure you remember that I stated that, at least for myself: the most caring are often the most lonely. With this in mind, I think it's able to be seen why I look for/notice verification in others. Another thing, due to how many body language books I've read, it has become habit to notice these following details, as well. While I don't believe all of it as fact, I can't deny that it does hold some truth. One of the basic indicators that I look out for is how the person has their arms: Are they crossed? Close to their sides? Are the muscles strained? Do their arms seem relaxed, freely held near, but not extremely close to their sides? This last one is the body language that I tend to notice often, as it lets me know that the person is calm, or open for encounters. Although, like I had said, it's not always true, and this is due to the fact that others also know how to present themselves instead of letting it be a natural thing. Usually, body language is meant to be a subconscious occurrence, but those that I mentioned, that use it for personal gain, tend to skew the results that I've hypothesized about them. This is why I look at how people hold themselves, as well as their actions. Also, it should be said that even though one holds their arms crossed, it doesn't necessarily mean that they're unavailable, or dissimilar from myself, as they could just be closed off at that time, or even just plain cold! For this reason, I try to do my best to accept everyone for who they are, but I, honestly, find that my attention is more so drawn to those that have the body language I had mentioned previously (open, relaxed arms). Please excuse my rambling, but I just recently noticed that this reply I'm currently typing, actually ties into, and explains in a better way, the first post I had made on this forum.
Back to the topic at hand, if on the internet/web, it becomes harder to know who's who due to those that project a certain personality that deviates from the one that they display IRL. The good thing is that it is still possible to see past it by noticing what words/phrases they use. I mentioned it before, but I believe you to be kind because of the way you phrased your initial post (I explained that in the reply I had saved). You didn't say you would take time out of your day to speak with the person, but the other way around. Also, you wanted to know if you might have been abusing their kindness to the point of regarding yourself as a "sucker". I took this to mean that you had been quite worried about it, which as I also said before, some people don't. or wouldn't take the time to. Then, there's also the fact that you have continued to reply to me in a kind, even caring manner. It would be an absolutely difficult task for me to begin to think of you in another light, now. This is what I meant when I said you should show him that you are, in fact, quite similar. Plus, you seem to have interest in what I say, which was one of the main points in getting closer to the C.P. So, I would say you have the potential to be, or already are a C.P. yourself.
It's hard in the beginning, but when you listen/pay attention to others, after a while, you can catch a glimpse of what each person is about. I hope this post helps you a bit more! I'm sure if you have further questions, or want a better explanation on a certain thought within this reply, you'll ask. I think. Hopefully.
Either way, I hope you are having a good day! Oh, and sorry about the long post, I really need to try condensing.
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boku
New Member
Posts: 37
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Post by boku on May 11, 2016 13:07:15 GMT -5
I asked him about this in a text and he told me not to worry about it because I'm a good person.
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Post by hikarix27 on May 11, 2016 18:14:14 GMT -5
I asked him about this in a text and he told me not to worry about it because I'm a good person. If I may know: Not to worry about what exactly? Which part(s) did you ask him about in order to elicit that response? Also, is that confirmation what you were seeking? Do you feel that it's a good thing? I apologize for all of the questions! Like I had said before, I wouldn't like to assume how you might feel. I mean, I could have said (typed) that I was happy for you, but what if you didn't feel the same way? How you're feeling takes top priority in this situation!
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boku
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Posts: 37
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Post by boku on May 12, 2016 11:27:14 GMT -5
I asked him about this in a text and he told me not to worry about it because I'm a good person. If I may know: Not to worry about what exactly? Which part(s) did you ask him about in order to elicit that response? Also, is that confirmation what you were seeking? Do you feel that it's a good thing? I apologize for all of the questions! Like I had said before, I wouldn't like to assume how you might feel. I mean, I could have said (typed) that I was happy for you, but what if you didn't feel the same way? How you're feeling takes top priority in this situation! I told him that I'm afraid of abusing his kindness. It was a reassuring response and I don't like those. He basically said that it's okay when i do it, but I'd prefer hearing that that I'm not one of those who do it in the first place. He even said "I don't mind helping you."
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Post by hikarix27 on May 12, 2016 17:15:35 GMT -5
I told him that I'm afraid of abusing his kindness. It was a reassuring response and I don't like those. He basically said that it's okay when i do it, but I'd prefer hearing that that I'm not one of those who do it in the first place. He even said "I don't mind helping you." I see. Thank you for allowing me that information. Just my own thoughts, but reassuring responses aren't necessarily bad things, as what they can mean vary depending on the person that gives them. Honestly, I feel the world could use more of it, but if you dislike them, then I shall try to refrain from such. I can, however, understand that in this case it doesn't feel like it's giving you a clear answer, right? You said that you would have preferred to have the complete confirmation that you are unlike those that seek his attention only for his kindness, but perhaps, isn't that what he might have just done? Some people have a limited amount of words to say in certain situations should they occur. Those words may not be exactly what we want to hear, but to the person speaking, is the only thing they know to say. What I mean is that, in essence, what the listener wants to hear and what the speaker wants to say, although different, could actually mean the same thing. When saying that it's okay if you do it, he could mean that he's okay with it because it's you, as well as letting you know that he feels you do not take advantage him. Even specifically saying, "I don't mind helping you." can place importance upon the listener, while also allowing the speaker to show interest in that person. A statement such as that shouldn't initially be taken in a negative light, but as I do not know the context, or full conversation, that judgement cannot be made in full clarity. I know that what he thinks of you can be difficult to detect due to the way you perceive him, but there's always the chance that even in being kind, he is also interested and looking for confirmation, too. In this current moment, I feel, that being direct (as you had been with your question to him) would be the best course of action. Have you let him know that you appreciate him listening to you? If not, see what he says, or how he reacts. If you have, what did he say/how did he react? There are many things that I do not know regarding your specific situation (your past, his past, daily lives), so I hope that I am not overstepping my bounds if it seems that I'm making certain assumptions. I know that I may not have all of the answers, and there are still many variables to consider based on info that I do not have, but I try to do my best to give my honest thoughts/opinions based on the details you graciously provide. I will continue to hope the best for you! Please have a good day.
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